I need to feel successful.
Is that true?
I don’t know.
Can I absolutely know that it’s true?
How do I react when I believe the thought ‘I need to feel successful’?
I set a lot of goals and when I don’t fulfil them I feel stressed out. I obsess about doing uni really well and getting terrific marks to the point where I push myself so hard that I fall ill every semester. I struggle and I put up with the struggle, because I believe that success comes after struggle. When I don’t achieve whatever it is I think I need to feel I’m successful, I’m just left with a lot of heartache and disappointment in myself. I compare my achievements and the milestones I’ve reached to other people’s, and I feel really terrible about myself and my life. To try to deal with that, I make up a story about how other people’s achievements are boring and ordinary, and I make myself superior to them in my eyes — very stressful. I push myself, and I exhaust myself. I set a lot of goals that I don’t finish, and life is a constant struggle.
Who am I without the thought ‘I need to feel successful?’
I do things because it feels good to do them, and I peacefully set them aside when I’m done. Life is so peaceful — so much quiet and presence, and no striving. I peacefully finish assignments and study for exams with little thought about the outcome, and as many breaks as I require. Life is so enjoyable. I do creative pursuits when I want to, and I enjoy them completely.
Turn it around
– I don’t need to feel successful.
Reasons it could be better to not feel successful:
1. I can see that there’s more to do The Work on.
2. I can enjoy setting new goals and making plans to complete them.
3. I can enjoy what there is to enjoy in not feeling successful — confiding in Boyfriend and having him help me come up with a plan to feel more successful, getting cuddles, wallowing, eating chocolate, etc.